Human Vegan

Perpetually Underwhelming

Got rice?

Got any kind of veg whatsoever?

Got a pan?

Got oil?

You got a stiry fry, motherfucker.

Pretty much every time I cook rice I make at least one extra portion so I can keep it in the fridge and use it a day or two later. It's pretty good cos it means when yr hungry and lazy you have something available in the same amount of time it takes to make toast that isn't toast. Yeah!

And yes, I AM about to tell you how to make a stir fry as if you didn't already know. I'll let you in to a secret: Many, many years ago (but when I was old enough to really have known better) I genuinely did not know how to fry rice. I'm not sure, but I may even have attempted it without boiling the rice first. Seriously.

Nowdays we all have the internet hardwired into our medulla oblongatas, so we just need to have a vague awareness of what fried rice might be and the information could be explained a thousand different ways through fibre optics, but back then people were still dicking about with Napster and Yahoo Groups (And worse, people were still Asking Jeeves).

It's my opinion that a wok really will help with this kind of thing. Woks are good, buy a wok.

Heat yr wok, put some oil in, no one cares what kind.

Slice or dice an onion, chuck it in.

Slice or mince some garlic, chuck it.

Peel some root ginger, bash it with the flat side of a large-ish knife (always use larger rather than smaller knifes, you've got more control with a larger knife and you can still use it to cut small shit, okay?)

Slice a chilli, keep the seeds if you like things hot.

Stir everything up in yr pan. Heat is good.

What veg do you have? I had carrots, green peppers & tomatoes, so that's what went in. Cut it up however you damn well like. Things that also work well are mushrooms, water chestnuts, cucumber, beansprouts, leafy things, courgettes, broccoli, mange tout, peas.. you get the idea.

Throw yr chopped veg in, stir shit some more.

Throw some soya sauce about. It's fun.

There are all sorts of exciting things you can add to stir fries to make them more interesting, but if you had the kind of forethought to buy plum sauce or mangoes or red bean paste or black bean sauce you wouldn't be reading this, would you?

That picture up there also has fake chicken in it cos that's what's in the freezer. Tofu obviously works very well, peanuts, cashews, mock duck/beef... or just veg is cool.

I had some pre-cooked brown basmati so that shit got thrown in too. Just make sure everything is heated up properly and yr golden.

Throw it in a bowl, mayb introduce it to some sweet chilli sauce if you happen to find some in th eback of the cupboard.

Eat with yr face.

Now aren't you glad you had that rice in the fridge? Stir fried veg on toast is just weird, guy.